Ain't I a Woman?

Dave Chappelle is one of my favorite comedians.  He has a knack for talking about race in a way that leaves people thinking, and is only matched by few others.  He had a stand-up bit years ago that I will never forget in which he described how black people as hostages were bad bargaining chips.  The main point being, the world dismisses terrorist demands when black people are leveraged.  Dave Chappelle, you soothsayer you.

Recently, Brittney Cooper of Salon.com wrote a scathing piece regarding the mainstream media's lack of national attention paid to stories regarding black women.  In it, she describes how black women seem to be the only people who care about these stories.  Don't believe me? Need some context?  Let me give you a little.

In March, a little girl went missing in Washington, DC. For two and a half weeks, no one noticed. Her name is Relisha Rudd.  To this day, she has still not been found.  Is the media bursting with major reports on the latest news surrounding the search for her remains like it did Caylee Anthony? No.  Three weeks ago, reports of a mass abduction of schoolgirls in Chibok in northeastern Borno state, Nigeria, began to surface. Now, the international media has just begun to notice.  To this day, these girls have still not been found and returned to their families.  Yet the world collectively gasped at the ongoing coverage of the missing Malaysian plane. What do these two events, on opposite sides of a vast ocean have in common?  Their brown skin and their female bodies.

I keep wondering when black women's lives will matter to people outside of black women.  I am black.  I am a woman.   I have a 1 year old daughter who I love dearly.  I try to the best of my ability to provide a nurturing environment for her.  An environment where she feels important, and cared for and loved.  But how can that environment be sustained in an atmosphere that is directly opposite of her reality right now?

On social media, Black Twitter exploded with reports of these missing black women, these stories of Relisha Rudd, Teleka Patrick, Renisha McBride, the 276 abducted Nigerian schoolgirls, and countless others.   For a majority of these stories, the major networks have largely been silent.  Only recently, and through the sheer force of widespread grassroots efforts, have the media decided to pay attention to almost 300 girls being abducted.  These stories of Black women, the double minority within society, the media's silence and their collective dismissal has not been lost among us.  In fact, this collective dismissal is quite commonplace.     

Last year a piece resurfaced on R.Kelly's sex abuse allegations.  In what was suppose to be a comeback for the music legend, it was wrought with his past sex allegations and sex abuse of black girls.  In the piece, Jim DeRogatis, the beat reporter in Chicago who uncovered R.Kelly's abuse of young girls says,   "The saddest fact I've learned is: Nobody matters less to our society than young black women. Nobody. They have any complaint about the way they are treated: They are 'bitches, hos, and gold diggers,' plain and simple. Kelly never misbehaved with a single white girl who sued him or that we know of... No, it was young black girls and all of them settled. They settled because they felt they could get no justice whatsoever. They didn't have a chance."

Yet, through all of this, black women are suppose to withstand the pain of avoidance, dismissal and disregard.  We are suppose to ignore the oversight, inattention and negligence of the public.  "You don't need our help", the collective public cries back to us.  I hate to break it to you, but unfortunately the "Strong Black Woman" mantra will not carry us through, should we need anything.

In her piece Cooper says, "Black women’s indomitable, unyielding strength in the face of unreasonable privation is one of our most dearly held cultural and national myths. Our ability to make a way out of no way seems like magic. We invoke this façade of strength as though it could actually materially replace the lack of care, the lack of outrage, the lack of social policy that could actually help black women and girls not to repeatedly succumb to severe poverty, mental illness, plain old racism and sexism, and disability." 

These stories of missing women, these stories of girls abducted, these stories of girls getting abused and blamed for their abuse, are women, they are people, they are me and they should be you.  They have lives and thoughts and they matter just like everyone else.  The lack of attention to these stories, the lack of societal care for black women needs a serious reformation as it is truly a problem in the collective conscious of the world.   

White privilege and the search for black dolls

My husband and I have finally relented to teaching our son how to pee and poop in the potty.  We're serious this time.  Our son is 3 so I know what you are thinking.  What the hell??? Why isn't that kid potty trained yet?  And if you say to me, "I understand, every child has their own timetable" don't think I didn't catch that slight side-eye.

We have tried several times before to try and potty train our son.  The first time, I had no idea what I was doing, and just sat him on the potty after reading a book about potty training to him.  I thought he would get it.  Instead, he just looked at me all strange and when I finally got him up from the potty and put his diaper on, he went in the diaper.  I did that for a couple of weeks until I finally gave up.  If he was just going to hold his pee/poop until after I change him, I decided we weren't ready and would wait a couple of months.  

The second time, I had read-up on training and decided to prepare him for the task at hand.  I got out the videos, read the books, gave words of encouragement and set him on his way.  But I still wasn't comfortable going all out and kept him in diapers.  Big mistake.  He wasn't able to tell the clues and would still pee and poop in his diaper.  After a week I just couldn't do it anymore and gave up.  

Everyone kept saying this is an easy process and should only take a week-end.  Well why was this taking more than a couple of weeks to catch on?  After I realized those people who gave that advice were DEAD WRONG, I decided to listen to my son and look for his readiness clues.  So the third time I went for the plunge.  Got out the training underwear (release the chokehold you have over me diaper!) and dedicated a week-end to potty-training.  By Sunday we were a success!!!  Going on the potty, peeing and pooping, only minor accidents! I was relieved that we had finally trained him.  But then Sunday night came.  *Cue horror music*  The thought of leaving him in another's hands to go over what we had gone over in the week-end was terrifying.  Would they follow the same procedure?  Would the praise be comparable?  Would he go pee and poop?  

The next day, I took him to my in-laws while I went to work.  It was an utter disaster.  I explained how the process would go and tried my hardest to give detail.  None of it worked.  My son learned how to pee and poop in his training pants and it was a wrap after that.  After I realized my in-laws and I weren't on the same page as far as potty-training goes, I decided to give up again.  There was no use confusing my son on a daily basis.

But now, for the fourth and hopefully final time, we are serious!!!!!  We have a training video, we're getting supplies, collecting sheets and books and my husband is even getting in on the action so I know it's a serious matter.  But one of the things that we have to collect to help him train, is a doll.  An anatomically correct doll who can go pee.  I just cough it up to being a parent, I don't really want to know why I NEED a doll with a penis.  So in this great search for a doll, with a penis, who can pee, I came upon something that, in my eyes is very strange.  There. are. no. black. boy. dolls. who. pee.

None. Zero. Zilch.  

Yep and if you looked up that ONE doll, guess what, they don't sell it anymore.

Why is this strange to me you ask?  Because there were a million websites that I viewed of white boy dolls who pee, white girl dolls who pee, and there was even a black girl doll who pees.

Do black boys just not pee?  This would explain why my son is still in pull-ups, as he is utterly confused about the entire process down there.

To those who would say, "Why don't you just buy a white doll? Duh!?!  I see your point.  It makes total sense to just buy a doll with the correct anatomic parts, whether it's a white doll, or a black doll, but see, you sir/madame, miss MY point and white privilege lends you the ability to make that statement.  The fact that black boy pee dolls aren't even sold, creates the "the white doll is the default" assumption.  I would love to create an environment where there is an equivalent black doll, asian doll, hispanic doll and white doll sold in stores, so when consumers go buy dolls for their children, they can with the satisfaction that their child can see themselves in their play toy.  When children constantly don't see his or herself in their toys, it can create a sense that they (the child) are not as good as the dolls or the real life children that they constantly play with.  This study shows how that plays out in the young psyche of children.  And if we truly want a post-racial society, then we need a black boy doll that pees.  Trust me on this one.  

I also realize i'm not alone in my search.  So what gives US?  I hate to guilt trip you, but why in 2014, with a black family in the White House (yes it's subtle-not-subtle) can we, black families not find black boy dolls who pee?  Your attention on this matter is greatly appreciated.

Seriously though, like this sister who advocated for her brother, she has a point.  We know dolls have always been geared towards and marketed to girls, but we need to advocate for companies to sell anatomically correct black dolls that pee so we create environments where ALL boys feel comfortable playing with dolls who look like them.  Toys shouldn't be discriminated against in race or gender.  So will you help me out and sign my petition?

HASBRO: Add Black Boys to your Baby Alive Series

At the Cross-Section of Feminism, Race and Motherhood

I consider myself a feminist.  I am definitely a mother, and if you saw me in person, you would say that i'm African-American.  So I think that gives me a springboard for the aforementioned title and corresponding piece that follows.
So I was perusing various websites for my daily news dose for work, and happened upon a title that gave me pause.  The story was from Salon and the title was called Leaning Out* (i'll leave out the rest and explain later) by Michelle Cottle.  It was on Michelle Obama's seeming un-interest in "true" feminist issues like policy and advocating for women's rights, abortion rights and the like.  The author seemed genuinely frustrated that Michelle O. was not Hillary Clinton Redux.  That Michelle Obama was educated (ivy league at that!) a lawyer (she was the breadwinner before Barack, I mean come on now Michelle?!) and quite possibly more equipped to handle the position of potus better than Barack (did you see the eye roll to Boehner? #bawse) left some to think that akin to he-man Barack coming to turnaround every single issue plaguing the US during the great recession, she was his she-ra for women's rights.
Let me first remind everyone that this is not the Clinton Presidency.  Barack is not Bill and Michelle is not Hillary.  THEY. ARE. DIFFERENT. PEOPLE.  So please stop assuming that Michelle will tackle the same issues as Hillary.  Just stop.

Now, let's talk about race in the feminist spectrum.  I've always believed in the equality of women, the right for women's equality in politics, corporate America, voting, and reproductive rights.  I believe if you ask a majority of women in the US, whether they believe in these principles, they would say yes.  Well guess what?  That would mean a majority of women in the US are feminists.  So how come only a select few identify with the title?

The more "feminist" articles I read, the more I understand that to be a Feminist, you have to be approved by the feminist club.  What is the feminist club you say?  A collective of self-identified women who dictate what you should do, how you should do it, and when you should do it.  And if you don't?  They get mad and kick you out before you even had a chance to put one toe in the door.  They call you a bunch of names, and tell you that you aren't like them, and what you think/believe/are doing is wrong.  It kinda sounds like what the women's suffrage was fighting against.

We would all like to transcend past Michelle Obama's race and believe that we can talk about only feminist issues without having to slug around the racial aspect.  But to ignore this fundamental aspect of her being is to pretend that she is not a person.  Class oppression as well as race are bound to African American women in addition to sexism in the fight for women's rights.  We fight all fronts equally, you can't ignore one as you talk about the other.  So if she wants to fight childhood obesity?  Guess what?  In addition to possibly curbing bulimia and anorexia and promoting a healthier body image, she is ensuring that those who participate in the school lunch program (which African American children overwhelmingly participate in) receive better, healthier options for their meals, evening the playing field for kids whose parents fix their healthy lunches each day.  When she fights for military families (another sect where sometimes low-income, young, non-college trained african-americans will detour), is she not fighting for equality for women as well?  Or, is there a ban on women in the military that I have not seen?

Never mind that Michelle is a mother to two young (well, not so much anymore) daughters who probably require her attention.  Please remember that her husband is the PRESIDENT during a recession.  We would all like to believe that he's every bit the doting dad, but Michelle gives little hints to Barack's attentiveness on the home front.  Ever read Audacity of Hope?  Yeah, give it a little gander.  The part where Barack talks about Michelle's "resistance" to him going into public office because of the fact that it would require him to be home less?  I doubt he was talking about a small argument here or there.  She is a co-parent for her daughters, and when one person's job requires them to be working for the good of the country, (including women!) then it's the other co-parent's responsibility to take care of the home, including caring for the physical, mental, and emotional well-being of their children.  Does it suck for feminists for her to be the person primarily in that role? of course.  But it doesn't hurt the feminist model, nor does it destroy the very fabric of the feminist manifesto.  Michelle made a "choice" to focus her time as the first lady to make changes that affect everyone, and to be the primary parent while her husband runs the country.  Let me remind the collective community that we would do a triple-take if Barack all of a sudden decided to neglect the duties of the White House to spend more time with his children.
And please don't give the, "but she has nannies and secret service and her mom to take care of her kids"  defense.  There are many negative statistics regarding the mental and emotional well being of children who grow up with absentee parents.
I can't begin to fathom the politics behind Michelle's many decisions.  But I can say that as a feminist, as an African-American and as a mother, I understand her need to show her daughters that as a wife you can support your husband and still be passionate about your own causes.  As a feminist and African American, you can still show attentiveness to their needs while fighting for the causes of the greater community, and as a mother, her first priority is them.

*Michelle Cottle has said that the incendiary post-title: "How Michelle Obama became a feminist nightmare" was not her idea, but the idea of her editors.  She did not know that her piece was going to be titled that.  While I'll give her a break on the title, the fact remains that the piece, detailed how disappointed she and other feminists were at Michelle not being more of an advocate for women's rights during her time as First Lady.